Australian Kiwi Jokes

Aussies love to tell jokes about their Kiwi neighbours, Kiwi jokes are some of Australia's favorite jokes, there's probably thousands of Kiwi jokes out there but here's a small selection, if you know another good one please send it to us!

Aussie jokes a often a bit on the rude side.
Do not scroll down to read these jokes if you are easily offended or under age 16

Aussie Jokes 1 | Aussie Jokes 2 | Aussie Jokes 3 | Aussie Jokes 4 | Aussie Jokes 5 | Aussie Jokes 6 | Kiwi Jokes

A little introduction for international visitors not familiar with the Aussie / Kiwi rivalry; a lot of the Kiwi jokes that Aussies tell are based on the following theories:

1. the ( so far not scientifically proven) theory that New Zealanders are dumb and far less intelligent than Australians.
2. the belief that New Zealanders move over to Australia only to go on social security and not to do any work. While this may have happened to some extent back in the days that it was very easy to live on the dole, nowadays this is not the case anymore.
3. the (never officially proven) theory that New Zealand men have sex with their sheep.
There are actually more sheep than people in New Zealand so plenty of choice but then again there are even more sheep in Australia than in New Zealand, sheep statistics show that more than half of Australia is being grazed by 137 million sheep on 53000 sheepfarms providing 70% of the world's wool for clothing.

New Zealand has never been invaded by another country, no wonder with such a well equipped army!

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi:
"G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and
keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: (in a panic) " Don't believe a word he says, that sheep's a bloody liar.."

What do Kiwi's and sperm have in common?
Millions of them enter and only a couple of them actually work.

A tour bus full of tourists stops by a farmer holding a sheep. One of them calls out "are you shearing?".
The farmer yells back, in an unhappy tone 'NO, **** off and get your own!'

A Chinaman, a German and a Kiwi are working on a high rise construction site.
At lunch time, they sat down together and opened their lunchboxes. The Chinaman looked inside and said, "Ah, if I get dumpling again, I gonna jump off the building". The German looked inside and said, "Mann, if I get Sauerkraut nd Pickle again, I vill jump off zee building too". The Kiwi looked inside and said, "Smokes if I get fush and chups again, I'm gonna jump off this building as well'! The next day at lunchtime, they open their lunchboxes. The Chinaman looked inside and said, "Ah, DUMPLINGS!!!". He jumped off the 32nd floor and died. The German looked inside and said, "Mann, SAUERKRAUT ND PICKLE!!!!" He jumped off the 32nd floor and died. The Kiwi looked inside and said, "Smokes, FUSH AND CHUPS!!!" He jumped off the 32nd floor and died.
At the funeral, the Chinamans wife said, "If I know he no like dumplings, I will have make something different". The Germans wife said, "If I know he doesn't like Sauerkraut nd Pickle, I vould have made zompting (something) divferent." Everyone looked at the Kiwi's wife. She said, "Don't look at me, he made his own lunch".

The Kiwis have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Two Kiwis are riding horses along the fence line of their property and find a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence.
One bloke jumps off his horse and, of course as most Kiwis would, has his way with the sheep. When he was finished he said to his mate: "Right, your turn!" His mate jumped off his horse and stuck his head in the fence.

What do you call a Kiwi with a thousand lovers.....

A shepherd.

Helen Clarke, Kiwi Prime Minister
If you're aged over 18
click image for the uncensored version..

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"
Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."
PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"
PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."
Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.
Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.
A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........
MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM

Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest race horses in the world?
Because the horses have seen what they do with their sheep..

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's not a pig but a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: " Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

How do Kiwi's find sheep in long grass?

............ Delightful!

Prime Munister Helen Clark's husband was jogging near his home in Auckland.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "Two hundred and fifty dollars!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five dollars!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Two hundred and Fifty dollars!" He'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day, Helen decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Dr. Davis realised she'd bark her $250 offer and Helen would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks, you tight bastard?!"

A Kiwi walks into a Sydney unemployment office.
He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I want to apply for the dole, I hate being on welfare and I'd much rather have a job but I have looked everywhere and just can't find any."
The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who needs a chauffeur/bodyguard for his two twin 21 year old nymphomaniac daughters. You'll have to drive them around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. You'll have a three-bedroom apartment above the garage. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort his daughters on their frequent overseas holidays to Tahiti and the Bahamas. The starting salary is $250,000 a year".
The Kiwi says, "No way mate, you gotta be bullshitting me!"
The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

Two Kiwis are walking down a street in Sydney.
One of the Kiwis happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said: "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".
The Kiwi says to his mate, " look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to New Zealund we could make a fortune!
Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us, so I'll speak in my best Aussie accent."
They enter the shop and the Kiwi says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my ute and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from New Zealund, aren't you?"
"Well... Yes," says the surprised Kiwi. "How the hell did you pick that?"
The shop owner replied, "This is a bloody dry cleaners, mate!

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Aussie Jokes 1 | Aussie Jokes 2 | Aussie Jokes 3 | Aussie Jokes 4 | Aussie Jokes 5 | Aussie Jokes 6 | Kiwi Jokes

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