Amazing Australian Jokes page 3

 

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One sunny morning Queensland Premier Anna Bligh was driving through a farming district in her chauffeured car.
As they came around a bend in the road an old cow standing on the road could not get out of the way quick enough and they hit the poor animal that was sent flying.
Anna was not pleased and told the driver to get out and check on the cow.
The driver returned and said she's dead....
Anna said well you were driving so it's all your fault so you go and tell the farmer!
The driver trotted off on his way to the farmhouse on top of the hill while Anna stayed in the car and jotted down some ideas in her car on how to scrap a few more things like solar power subsidy to save some money.
At some point she realized that the driver had gone for considerable time and she became very impatient.
Finally, as it was getting dark the driver came staggering down the road, reached the car and fell in his seat and the smell of alcohol filled the car. WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN ALL THIS TIME!!!? Anna demanded to know.
The driver replied;well, first it was a long hard slog up the hill to the farmhouse so I was a bit out of breath when I got there.
I said to the farmer; Hello, I'm Anna Bligh's driver. We just had a little accident and I killed the old cow.....
And then he just wouldn't let me go, he pulled out his best bottles of whiskey, he started filling glasses, his wife cooked me a fantastic meal and his daughter shagged me senseless!

The Amazing Australian Love Test

Do you ever wonder who loves you?

Your wife? Your dog? You think they love you, but how do you know if they really do? How can you be sure?

There is a way to find out and have peace of mind! And it only takes one hour !

Simply open the boot of your car, put your dog and your wife in there, close the boot, grab a coupla beers and watch the footy on the telly for an hour or so. Then go back to the car, and open the boot.

Now, who is happy to see you?

(If it is summertime and hot weather you might feel sorry for the dog and place a bowl of water in the boot, if you do this be sure to also place a glass of water for the wife in there to keep the test results fair and reliable )

Bruce's grandfather goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra.
Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?
I can cut them for you ' said the chemist but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.
I am 96 years old said the old man . I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t piss on my slippers.

Lawyers should never ask an old grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial in a small outback town the prosecutor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman who had lived in the town all her life, to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense lawyer?'
She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a big drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your missus, and one your daughter. Yes, I know him alright.'
The prosecutor nearly died.
The judge asked both prosecutor and defense lawyer to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you two bloody idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send the both of you to the electric chair.'

Scientists at Air New Zealund built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
Australian engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new Qantas A380 aircraft. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the Australian engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Aussies sent Air New Zealand the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the Kiwi scientists for suggestions.......
Air New Zealund responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken......"

 

 

Little Johnny asked his mother the following question:
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" Sheila looks at Johnny and replies;
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
Little Johnny thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
Bruce looks at his son in surprise and says," Look mate, all household appliances come in white."

Bruce tells his mate he just got back from a short trip.
Business or pleasure? asks his mate.
Bruce replies; pleasure! I took the mother-in-law to the airport.

Bruce normally drives his 6 year old to school every day on his way to work.
But he's been to his mate's Robbo's birthday barbie the night before and got so hammered there that he's got a massive hangover and decides to chuck a sickie.
His wife Sheila grabs the keys to the ute and drives the daughter to school.
The teacher notices and later in the day during a chat she asks the girl; I see you mum drove you to school today.
Yes, says the girl, daddy was sick today, it was quite different today.
The teacher says; different? How do you mean different?
Well, says the girl, Mum and I .... didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dickhead, moron, Asian prick or wanker anywhere on the whole way to school today!

Two Aussies are having a chat in the pub.
Bruce says; I've been in love with the same sheila for 49 years!
If my missus ever finds out, she'll kill me!

Bruce to his mate Robbo: someone stole all my credit cards last month.
Robbo replies; did you report it to the cops?
Bruce: no way mate! The thief is spending a lot less than my missus did!

Amanda Vanstone went to the beauty shop. She spent more than three hours in there. That was only for the estimate. Then she decided to get a mudpack and looked great for two days. Unfortunately then the mud fell off.

The doctor gave Bruce six months to live. So Bruce thought he may as well enjoy himself and went off to the pub everyday shouting all his mates. As a result he had no money left to pay his doctor's bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Bruce: "I AM BLOODY 60!"
Doctor: "See? What did I tell you?"

Sheila walks into a pet shop to buy Bruce a birthday pressie.
She tells the owner, "I want to get my hubby a pet, but I only have $20. What do you have for that?"
The owner of the bizzo says, "Hmm. I only have pedigree animals here, but I think I have something in the back," and he disappears and returns with a bullfrog. He says, "This is no ordinary bullfrog, this bullfrog gives blowjobs."
Thinking the frog could save her a little work around the house, Sheila said, "Sold, mate!!"
She takes it home and gives it to Bruce, who had expected a slab of beer and he is not impressed.
She smiles and says, "This is no ordinary bullfrog - I'm going to leave you two alone and let you get to know each other."
About 45 minutes later, she hears pots and pans banging around in the kitchen, she runs in and yells, "What the F%&K! is going on here!?"
Bruce looks up from a cookbook and says, "If I can teach this frog how to cook too then you're f%&#ing outta here."

The Federal Government is sending each and every Australian a $600 rebate.
But if we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea and none of it will help the Australian economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home in Australia is to spend it on prostitutes and Victoria Bitter, since these are the only products still made in Australia!

One of the Sydney's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked;
'Why are you laughing, mate?'
'I was just thinking about my own funeral,' the man replied.
'I'm a gynaecologist'........

An Aussie bloke was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Aussie politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Aussie frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course, mate!.'
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'
The American had a smirk on his face. The Aussie listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Aussie replied, 'yeah mate, of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and
sell it to Australia .
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Aussie leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Aussie's turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?

A muslim was sitting next to Bruce on a plane.
The stewardess came and asked what would you like to drink. Bruce said: give us a XXXX mate!
Then the stewardess asked the muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust: 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let alcohol touch my lips!'
Bruce handed his beer back & said: 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'

Bruce calls Qantas to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Bruce replies; 'How the bloody hell would I know! It's your f***ing plane!!'

A man is checking in at the hotel reception, while he moves to write his details in the book his elbow accidentally hits the breast of a woman next to him who is also checking in.
He apologises and says; I am so sorry, but if your heart is as soft as your breast, I am sure you can forgive me for this.....
She has a painful look on her face and rubs her breast and replies; yes, and if your c**k is as hard as your elbow you can come to my room tonight....

Bruce takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spread-eagled & says: 'You know what I want don't you?'
'Yeah,' says Bruce. 'The whole f***ing bed by the looks of it!

Robbo to Bruce: how's you and the missus going?
Bruce: my marriage is just like a fairytale......
Really? says Robbo, how wonderful.....
Yes, replies Bruce, every time I come home I see that old witch on the couch!

Robbo had been working in the police force for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land out in the bush in Western Australia as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postie once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months of total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded bloke is standing there.
G'day mate, I'm Bruce, your neighbor from hundred forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at around 5:00.
'Bloody great', says Robbo, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, thanks mate!.'
As Bruce is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'No worries' says Robbo. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big bloke starts to leave but stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! . I'll be there. Thanks again.'
Again,the big bloke starts to leave and stops. 'More'n likely be some pretty wild sex too,' ,
'Now that's really no worries' says Robbo, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months without a single root!
I'll definitely be there on Friday!
By the way, what should I wear?'
'Who gives a shit, says the bloke. Just gonna be the two of us.'

One day, Bruce came home and was greeted by his missus dressed in a very sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went fishing.

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent !
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'

Bruce brings home a mate.
Sheila screams.
WTF did you bring him over for! My hair & makeup aren't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the HELL did you bring him home?"
Bruce; "'Coz he's thinking of getting married..."

A greenie sheila was climbing a tree to watch over a Tasmanian forest.
See tried to get evidence against the mighty logging company when a tawny frogmouth owl attacked her.
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree getting a number of large splinters lodged in her crotch area.
In considerable pain she hurried to a doctor and told him that she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.
The doctor, who was definitely no environmentalist; listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room, undress, hop up onto the bed and he would be in shortly to see if he could help her.
She waited for two long painful hours before the doctor reappeared. By now, very angry, the woman demanded, 'what took you so damn long?'
'Well,' the doctor replied, 'it is not that simple....I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, the National Parks & Wildlife Service, the Wilderness Society and the Dept of Conservation & Resource Management, before I could remove 'old growth timber' from a recreational area!!!'

Little Johnny sent a letter to Santa.
Dear Santa, don't worry about toys this Xmas but I would really like my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Santa replied: tell your dad to stop banging the babysitter like a screendoor in a cyclone and your mother to lose some weight and I'll see what I can do....

A bloke sitting at a bar at Sydney Airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant.
But which airline does she work for?'
Hoping to make her acquaintance, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: 'Love to fly and it shows?'
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: Damn, she doesn't work for Delta.'
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head.
He leaned towards her again 'A great way to fly?'
She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: 'Smooth as Silk?.'
This time the woman turned on him, 'What the f##k do you want?'
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said,
'Ahhhhh, Jetstar.....

Bruce and Sheila are having a huge domestic argument.
Bruce yells; when you're dead, I'll get a bloody tombstone for you that says; here she lies, cold as ever...
To which Sheila responds; and I'll get a f***ing tombstone for you that says; here he lies, stiff at last....

A 70 year old millionaire brags at the golfclub that soon he is getting married to a gorgeous 20 year old blonde.
His mate says how the hell did you get a 20 year old sheila at your age, you're bloody 70, did you lie about your age?
Yes, he admits, I did, I told her I was 90 !!

Bruce is on holidays in Bangkok, and lays in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bit, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, Bruce turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...'

Bruce stands naked in front of his big mirror and says; mirror mirror on the wall, who's got the biggest dick of all?
To which Sheila yells from the bedroom: I DO !!!!

A little girl comes in to the pharmacy and says hello mister pharmacist, I want to buy some ointment for my mummy...
Yes, but which ointment do you need? says the pharmacist, this is a big shop and we have lots of them here.
It's in a little glas jar, the girl says.
Pharmacist (impatient): yes, they all come in glass jars. You'll have to give me the name of it !
Little girl; I dunno.... can't remember the name, but it smells really nice, oh, and it's got that methylamminohydradimethylphenylinyrazolonapol stuff in it.

Bruce is getting pissed in the pub and runs out of money.
Of course Bruce does not feel like going home and he hassles the publican for another drink.
Common Robbo, givuzzanaddabeerwillya? I'll pay you next week.....
The publican points out the window and says to Bruce; see that building across the road? Yeah... says Bruce.....
Well, that is the bloody Commonwealth Bank, and I got a deal with them.
Deal? Wot deal? says Bruce.
Publican; well, they don't sell beer, and I don't lend money!

These photo jokes did the rounds on the internet just after Steve Irwin managed to incite the crowds and the Department of Workplace Health and Safety with his whacko Jacko style stunt where he held his baby while feeding a crocodile.

At the doctors a woman is waiting with a baby for a checkup.
They get called in to the doctor's room and the doctor examines the baby. Oh dear, says the doctor, this baby is underweight, he is not getting enough nutrition, is this baby breastfed or bottle fed? Breastfed, the woman replies.
Please take of your shirt, the doctor tells the woman. She does and the doctor proceeds to examine her breasts, he kneads them, rubs them, pulls the nipples and after a good while of all this he comes to his conclusion and says to the woman; no wonder the baby is underweight, you've got no milk at all!
Yeah I know, she says, I'm his grandmother, his mother is working today, but thanks anyway, I'm glad I came today!

A blonde is standing at the paper shredder with a big pile of documents in her hands, looking very helpless.
Finally someone spots her and says; can I help you?
Yes, thank you, she says, how does this thing work?
Simple, says the man, press this switch here and push the paper in this opening here.
So she does and all the documents disappear down the hole.
Everything OK now? asks the helpful man.
Eh, says the blonde, where do the copies come out?

Robbo's mother in law has died and he goes to see his employer to ask for a day off so he can go to her funeral.
Hey boss, I know we're really busy here but I would really like to go to my mother in law's funeral...
Boss; yeah mate, don't we all......

A woman is in court on a charge of shop lifting a can of peaches.
The judge asks; how many peaches were in this can?
Five, the woman replies. OK, says the judge, then I will give you five months in prison, do you have anything else to say?
Her husband gets up and says; yes, I do, she also stole a can of peas!

Two clairvoyants meet at the markets.
Says one to the other; wow, you look a lot better than you do next week!

A plumber gets called out of bed in the middle of the night by his doctor.
My toilet is blocked and it is flowing over and flooding the house and there's shit everywhere! Come quick!
To which the plumber replies; no worries mate, just chuck an aspirine in the bowl and call me in the morning!

 

Finish the following sentence; Happy as......

 

Sheila come home and finds Bruce madly waving around the fly swatter.
What the hell are you doing? she says.
These bloody flies are driving me nuts, Bruce replies, but I've killed a dozen already, seven males and five females.
How the hell do you know what they were, Sheila demands to know.
Simple, Bruce says, seven of them were on my beer bottle, and five were on the phone!

Little Johnny is at school and the teacher is talking about work and the future.
Johnny, he says, what do you want to be later when you grow up?
A worldfamous photo model or an astronaut, says Johnny.
But what if you're not good looking enough to become a worldfamous photo model, or intelligent enough to be an astronaut?
Johnny; well, if I'm too f***ing ugly to be a model or too dumb to be an astronaut then I can always become a school teacher!!

Little Johnny got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
Little Johnny asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
Little Johnny replied, 'My father doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
Little Johnny said, ''My father has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
Little Johnny sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'

A young guy got a job in K-mart as a salesman.
The supervisor told him that if a customer came in to buy only one item he should always try to sell them more.

An attrattive looking blonde came in and spoke to the young salesman, and the supervisor watched from a distance. He was pleased to see the lady leave with her arms full of cleaning products and equipment, and approached his new salesmen for a folow-up talk. Well done, he complimented him, how did you sell her all that stuff? Easy, the talented young salesman said; she came in for a packetof tampons, so I said if you can't f**k then you might as well make yourself useful some other way!

Bruce thought it was time for a holiday.
So he bought himself a plane ticket and hopped on the plane to Bangkok and started drinking in the first bar he saw.
It was not long before a Thai lady sat down next to him and they started chatting, and a few beers later they couple were off and ended up in the Thai lady's house.
They had a great root and lay in bed smoking a cigarette afterwards when Bruce noticed several framed photos of a man on the wall. Who's that bloke in the photos, Bruce asked. Is that your ex-hubby or your brother?
No, she said, that was me before the operation!

 

Bruce spotted an ad in the paper;
26 volume Encyclopedia Britannica for sale, as good as new, no longer needed.
He rang immediately and negotiated a good price. Then he said; how come you no longer need it?
To which the bloke replied; I'm married now, and I have a missus who always knows everything best......

A crusty old bikie was out on a long ride through the outback.
He pulls up to a pub in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

The old bikie walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive sheila who is serving beers to a couple of sun-wrinkled old farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The old bikie leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the only one around here who gives the hand jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, sure I am, I do everything around here".
The old bikie leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, go and wash your hands real bloody good then, cause I want a cheeseburger".

There once was a bloke who had worked hard all his life, never went to the pub and had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his cash.
Just before he died, he said to his wife,"When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife.
"I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque....

Only in Australia....can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Donald Duck goes on a dirty weekend to Sydney.
The first night he realizes he has forgotten his condoms, so he calls down to the hotel reception, and asks for a pack of three.
Receptionist asks: “Shall I put them on your bill?”
Donald replies "No, ya bloody idiot, don't be f******ng stupid, I'll suffocate!!"

 

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