REDNECK TEST

There's a bloody good chance you're a redneck if;

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

8. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

10. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

11. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

12. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

14. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

16. You have used a rag for a gas cap.

17. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

18. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

19. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made It.

20. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

21. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Mc Donalds on the side.

22. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

23. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

24. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
27. You have used one of the following pickup lines on a sheila;

Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away.

Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in.

Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out

Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.

If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon..

Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

 

But there is hope! Get yourself some culcha by studying some Aussie etiquette;

IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

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