Amazing Australian Jokes page 4

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Aussie jokes

The most politically correct joke ever!
In today's day and age you can't poke fun at a particular ethnicity or minority, so here we deal with all of them!
An Aboriginal, a Pom, an overweight Yank, a NZ Maori, a Kiwi, a Tasmanian disabled person, an elderly person from Latvia, a Swedish blonde, a German, an Italian, a drunk Irishman, a Pole, a Greek, an Indian, a Canadian politician, an Afro-American, a Mexican, a Dutchman, an arrogant Frenchman, a Brazillian, an Ethiopian, a Turk, a Jap, a Chinaman, a Russian, an Indonesian, a Malaysian, a Cambodian, a Birmese and a Vietnamese all went together to an upmarket nightclub.
The bouncer said, sorry guys, I can't let you in without a Thai.

Two Aussie priests are in a bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He laughs and says,'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.' The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on the plane from Cairns to Perth.
That's a very long flight so in the end the lawyer decides to make some conversation and asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

A sheila in a V8 was going way too fast and got pulled over for speeding.
The cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, when the sheila said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Queensland Policeman's Ball. 'He replied, ' Queensland policemen don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence. He just realized what he'd said, closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

 

Sheila bought a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life...

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge suite opposite Bruce.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs and slowly recrosses them …

Finally Bruce asks:
”Are you wearing crutchless knickers?”

“Y-e-s,” she answers with a seductive smile.

“Thank Christ for that …. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite.”

Single v Engaged v Married

Three sheilas were having a girl's night out and talked about their blokes.
The single sheila said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my bloke's office wearing a leather coat.

When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that he rooted me on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged sheila giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my bloke got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stilettos. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married sheila put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.

I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"

Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.
The musical chairs was a bit slow, but bugger me, pass the parcel was quick!!!

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

A preggo sheila went into labour, things were not going smoothly and she was in a lot of pain.
She shouted: "Get this thing outta me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her bloke and yelled "You did this to me, you bastard!"
To which he replied, "Yeah well, I wanted to stick it up your ass, but you said,'no way that'll be too painful.'"

Bruce was walking down the street on his way to the pub when he saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. He shouted up to him "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Bruce was on his way to the pub when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a bloke walking a large dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men blokes single file.

Bruce couldn't stand the curiosity. He approached the bloke walking the dog and said, G'day mate, what's the go here, I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

My wife's.

What happened to her?'

The bloke replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

Bruce inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The bloke answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her and ripped her to bits too and killed her.'

A moment of silence passed, until Bruce spoke again; Hey mate, can I borrow the dog?'

The bloke turned his head to the long procession behind the second hearse and said; 'Get in line.'

 

Three black ladies are getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time in their life..

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout youse but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties before I get on that plane.'

'Why you gonna wear them for?' the other two asked.

The first replied, 'Coz, if that plane goes down and I'm out there laying butt-up in a cornfield, they gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, I'm gonna wear some fluro orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear them?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if this bloody plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the sea, they can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.....'

'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'That's right mate, you heards me right. I ain't wearin' any panties, 'coz if any plane goes down they always look for the black box first!

 

 

A sheila walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to do her taxreturn.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"No worries, he says, chicken farmer it is."

Bruce's teenage son had just passed his driving test and asked his dad if he could borrow the ute.
Bruce was not all that keen on his pisshead son hooning around in his beloved V8 Holden so he set some conditions;
You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the ute'

The son thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his Bruce said, 'mate, you've brought your grades up and I noticed that you have been studying your bible, but you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've noticed in my studies of the bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his Bruce replied, 'Yes, and did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

Bruce and Sheila were spending the day at Taronga Zoo.

Sheila was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and VB singlet.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at Sheila in the pink dress. Bruce noticed the excitement,and thought this was funny.

Bruce suggested that his missus tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then Bruce suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now..... show your thighs and fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then Bruce grabbed his missus, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell him you have a headache!"

Bruce went to Bondi Beach.
He had the eski next to him, and had a great time watching the sheilas in their bikinis, but after two sixpacks of VB he fell asleep for several hours in the midday sun and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his burned legs.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE PISSED:

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE PISSED:

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

Bruce was on a trip to the big smoke and was enjoying a beer in a bar in Kings Cross.
It must have been his lucky day as he managed to attract a spectacularly sexy young backpacker sheila. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his motel room and, after some small talk, he rooted her senseless. Bruce had read in a magazine at the dentist that nowadays sheilas were also supposed to reach an orgasm so after a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Bruce jumped back on her and the rooting resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were many screams of passion.
When the action finally ends and, again, Bruce smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Bruce jumps the sheila yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Bruce falls onto his back, gasping for air. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish now?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful sheila whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian".

An old bloke in Darwin lived alone and he wanted to plant a vegie garden.
But it was very difficult work, as the ground in Darwin is mostly rock and red clay. His only son, Robbo, who could help him, was in Berrimah prison again for drink driving and dope smoking.
The old bloke wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his problem.
Dear Robbo, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my vegie garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were it would be easier. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
A coupla days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear dad, what ever you do, don't dig up that bloody garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Early the next morning, the cops arrived in force and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old bloke and left.
That same day the old bloke received another letter from his son.
Dear dad, go ahead and plant the vegies now. This was the best I could do under the circumstances.

 

Ever wondered about: Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your missus with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your missus on the ass and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in severe injury.

This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of builders.
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those wankers at Bunnings deliver the fucking bricks on time.'

Several years ago, during the pilot dispute, there were no domestic flights in Australia.
Remote places like Darwin, Cairns and Port Douglas went into crisis. They were tough times, everybody was in debt, and everybody lived on credit.

Fortunately, one day a rich American tourist stepped out of a taxi and walked into the lobby of a Port Douglas hotel.
He laid a 100 dollar note on the reception counter, and went to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one.
The hotel owner immediately took the 100 dollar note and ran to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher took the 100 dollar note, and ran to pay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer took the 100 dollar note, and ran to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel took the 100 dollar note and ran to pay his debt to his regular hooker who in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.
The hooker ran to the hotel, and paid off her debt with the 100 dollar note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
And just as the 100 dollar note was back on the counter of the hotel, the tourist came down after inspecting the rooms, and saying that he did not like any of the rooms took his 100 dollar note back and left the hotel lobby.
The whole town was now without debt, and looked to the future with a lot of optimism.

 

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking...Scared me. So that's it! After today, no more reading.

Bruce and and Sheila were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while they were in bed.
He turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
Bruce then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at him this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So he said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

Saturday morning Bruce got up early to go for his weekly fishing trip.
He was moving quietly so he would not wake his missus, got dressed, filled the esky with beer, and slipped quietly into the garage. He hooked up the boat up to the ute , and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be lousy all day.

Bruce went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. He cuddled up to his missus' back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." Sheila replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

 

Sheila was hinting about what she wanted for her upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' So Bruce bought her a bathroom scale.

After retiring, Bruce went to the Social Security office to apply for his pension.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet in the pub. He told the woman

that he was very sorry, but he would have to go come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So he opened his shirt revealing the curly silver hair on his chest.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my pension application.

When Bruce got home, he excitedly told my wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

Sheila said, 'You should have dropped your pants instead. You might have gotten a disability pension too.'

Bruce and Sheila were sitting at a table at Bruce's school reunion.
He kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. Sheila asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' Bruce sighed, 'she’s my old highschool girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up thirty years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
Jesus Christ! said Sheila, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

Bruce took his missus to a restaurant.
The waiter took his order first.
"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
The waiter said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

 

Sheila was standing in the bedroom in the nuddy, looking in the big mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

Bruce replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

 

A Northern Territory farm hand gets on the radio to the farmer.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a ...303Rifle behind the seat. Take it; shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back;

'I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'. 'Now what's the problem?' raged the farmer.

'Well boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'

'... You there Boss?'

 

An elderly bloke was invited to an old mate's home for dinner one evening.
He was amazed by the way his mate preceded every request to his missus with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc..

The couple had been married almost 50 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

When the missus went back to the kitchen to get more beers for the blokes, the old bloke leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's mucking afazing that, after all these years, you still call your missus those loving pet names."

The old bloke hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is."

_

The three directors of Fosters, XXXX and Coopers were travelling together to a meeting, when their limo broke down.
Fortunately it was right near a pub, and it was 10 AM so it was just opening, so they went inside to wait while the driver fixed it.
The Fosters director ordered three stubbies of Fosters Lager for them and they drank it all while chatting business stuff.
When the beers were gone the XXXX director got up, went to the bar, and came back with three stubbies of XXXX.
They continued to talk business and some time later the stubbies were empty again so it was the Coopers director's turn for a shout. He got up and went to the bar, and said to the sheila behind the bar; three of the same please.
The sheila was surprised and said hey mate, you're the Coopers director, why do you order XXXX?
To which he replied; well, I thought it was still a bit too early to start drinking beer yet....

 

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION:

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2.Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3.Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

6. The French eat foie-Gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

The Day the Penis asked for a pay rise:

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
Often have to work in confined spaces
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

 

The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessment and considering the arguments you have raised, we reject your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina

Bruce always wanted a pair of R.M. WILLIAMS boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to Sheila, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Sheila looked him over. 'No matel'

Frustrated, Bruce stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for his new R.M. Williams boots.

Again he asked Sheila, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

She looked up and exclaimed, 'Bruce, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow, 'cause its always that way .

Furious, Bruce yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, SHEILA? DO YOU?' 'No matel', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT ME NEW R.M. WILLIAMS BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Sheila replied, 'shoulda bought a hat, Bruce. Shoulda bought a hat.'

 

 

An Aussie bloke is walking along Bondi beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful sheilas. He roots them all and then begins to explore the house. He opens a door and finds a room filled with $100 bills.

Suddenly there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a branch and hang him by the neck until he is dead.

The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods and it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other blonde genie, 'Hey, I can understand the first wish having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but wanting to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

 

Bruce to his mate: I love to watch my wedding video in reverse. I especially love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.

Tassie couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Bloke says ' Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'

Sheila asked Bruce what reincarnation is.
Bruce explained, when you die you come back as something else.
Sheila said she wanted to come back as a pig. Bruce said, 'No, you're not f###ing listening'

Bruce got depressed one night and rang lifeline.
He got through to a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them he felt suicidal. They got all excited and asked if he had a truck licence.

Bruce and his mate Robbo are having a few beers and are discussing a long running dilemma.
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Robbo says; Women believe that giving birth is more painful than a bloke getting kicked in the nuts.
Bruce, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking, came up with the answer to that question.
Bruce reckoned that getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby.
Look mate,he said, it's like this, OK? A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say, "You know, it's been a year since my last one, I reckon I would like another kick in the nuts now."

A farmer named Bruce had a car accident, he was hit by a truck owned by the Fosters brewery.
In court, the Fosters’ hot-shot solicitor was questioning Bruce.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Bruce responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my cow into the... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Bruce said, 'Well, I'd just got the cow into the trailer and I was drivin' down the road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge had become fairly interested in Bruce's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his cow'.
Bruce thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded the cow into de trailer to take her to the Ekka in Brissie and was drivin' her down the road when this huge Foster’s truck and trailer came thundering through a stop sign and hit me trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and the cow was thrown into the ditch on the other side of the road. By Jesus I was hurt, very bad, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear my cow moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a cop on a motorbike turned up. He could hear my cow moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.
Then the cop came across de road, gun still in hand and smoking, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the F#&K! would you say?'

Two flies are sitting on a pile of cow shit.
One fly says to the other; hey, do you wanna hear a funny joke? Second fly says; yeah sure, but I'm eating now so no dirty jokes please....

Bruce and Sheila had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their mates, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, Bruce decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

Bruce sat quietly for a moment, had another sip of his beer, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'

 

The Amazing Aussie Movie Test

 

This simple math test can predict your all time favorite most watched Aussie movie.

Try it without looking at the answers first . It really works! And in only four simple steps;

Your all time favourite most watched Aussie movie is.......................

1. Crocodile Dundee, the all time classic love story with Paul Hogan and Linda .

2. Australia, the movie, with Australia's favorite actress Nicole Kidman.

3. Bad Boy Bubbie, strange but interesting movie from Rolf de Heer.

4. Mad Max, where Mel Gibson battles to the death against the bizarre Master Blaster in the Thunderdome.

5. Murielle's Wedding, the adventures of megalomaniac Muriel Heslop mixed with Abba revival.

6. Babe, the adventures of a little piggy that won Oscars and Academy Awards.

7. The Dish, classic Aussie blunder story set in the Aussie outback.

8. Picnic at Hanging Rock, all time classic movie where several schoolgirls disappear without a trace on an outing.

9. The joy of anal sex with male goats & naughty spanking leather clad gay-boy gang bangs.

10. The man from Snowy River, fantastic horsemanship movie with Kirk Douglas, Tom Burlinson and Sigrid Thornton.

Morning after the Bucks night.

Bruce woke up with a killer hangover after attending his best mate's bucks night. He didn't even remember how he got home. He looked at the clock and it was 11.30.

What day is it? Thursday.. His missus must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night..

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his missus.

'I'll ring your boss and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning.

There's cricket on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love,

Sheila. x '

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at the table, eating.

Bruce, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

Well, you came home after 3 A.M., pissed as a parrot and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you vomited in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '

Confused, Bruce asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed,

'Leave me alone you slapper..., I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $250

Hot Breakfast$3.50

Two Aspirins 20 cents

Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

Sheila: 'What are you doing?'
Bruce: Nothing.
Sheila: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Bruce: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

Sheila : 'Do you want dinner?'
Bruce: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Sheila: 'Take it, or leave it.'

Sheila: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Bruce: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Sheila: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Bruce: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

Sheila: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Bruce: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Sheila: 'Yeah, that's because we aren't married yet.'

Little Johnny: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Little Johnny: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

Bruce asked his missus, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

Sheila to Bruce: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
Bruce replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

Sheila asked Bruce: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: '
I like your sense of humour!'

Bruce sat in the loungeroom watching the footy on TV when Sheila hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What the F..K was that for?' he asked.
Sheila replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
Bruce then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
Sheila apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later Bruce is watching TV when Sheila bashes him around the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness he asked why she had hit again.
Sheila replied: 'Your bloody horse just phoned!!! '

Bruce got a job with the local newspaper and had to write the advice column, this was his first week;

Dear Bruce,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes.
He was in the bedroom, dressed in my lingerie with our neighbour Robbo making mad passionate love to him.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and they decided to have a beer together and things got a little out of hand.
When I asked him why he had my lingerie on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.

I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Susie Fox

Dear Susie,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults.

Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber

I hope this helps.

Bruce

 

World's fastest job interview

 

 

Aussie BBQ procedure:
1 - The woman buys the food.
2 - The woman takes a cold beer from the fridge and takes it to her husband who is talking about footy to his mates, and then she makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3 - The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - and gives him another cold beer.
4 - The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the discussion of cricket, footy, cars, fishing, and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

5 - The man places the meat and snags on the BBQ plate.

6 - The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
7 - The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he turns the meat
8 - The man takes the meat and snags off the plate and hands it to the woman.
9 - The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table, with more beer for the man and his friends..
10 - After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

11 - Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts that made this barbie a great success.

12 - The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

 

Tasmanian teenager is rooting his sister, and says; Geez, you're a good root, you're even better than mum !
To which his sister replies; I know, dad often tells me too !

 

A Lion would never shit on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.....