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One sunny morning Queensland Premier Anna
Bligh was driving through a farming district in her chauffeured
As they came around a bend in the road an old cow standing on
the road could not get out of the way quick enough and they hit
the poor animal that was sent flying.
Anna was not pleased and told the driver to get out and check
on the cow.
The driver returned and said she's dead....
Anna said well you were driving so it's all your fault so you
go and tell the farmer!
The driver trotted off on his way to the farmhouse on top of the
hill while Anna stayed in the car and jotted down some ideas in
her car on how to scrap a few more things like solar power subsidy
to save some money.
At some point she realized that the driver had gone for considerable
time and she became very impatient.
Finally, as it was getting dark the driver came staggering down
the road, reached the car and fell in his seat and the smell of
alcohol filled the car. WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN ALL THIS
TIME!!!? Anna demanded to know.
The driver replied;well, first it was a long hard slog up the
hill to the farmhouse so I was a bit out of breath when I got
I said to the farmer; Hello, I'm Anna Bligh's driver. We just
had a little accident and I killed the old cow.....
And then he just wouldn't let me go, he pulled out his best bottles
of whiskey, he started filling glasses, his wife cooked me a fantastic
meal and his daughter shagged me senseless!
The Amazing Australian Love Test
Do you ever wonder who loves you?
Your wife? Your dog? You think they love you, but
how do you know if they really do? How can you be sure?
There is a way to find out and have peace of mind!
And it only takes one hour !
Simply open the boot of your car, put your dog and
your wife in there, close the boot, grab a coupla beers and watch
the footy on the telly for an hour or so. Then go back to the
car, and open the boot.
Now, who is happy to see you?
(If it is summertime and hot weather you might feel
sorry for the dog and place a bowl of water in the boot, if you
do this be sure to also place a glass of water for the wife in
there to keep the test results fair and reliable )
Bruce's grandfather goes into a chemist
to buy some Viagra.
Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?
I can cut them for you ' said the chemist but a quarter tablet
will not give you a full erection.
I am 96 years old said the old man . I don't want an erection,
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t piss on
Lawyers should never ask an old grandma
a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial in a small outback town the prosecutor called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman who had lived in the town
all her life, to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs.
Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you,
Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on
your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since
he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a big
drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone,
and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your missus, and one your daughter. Yes, I know
The prosecutor nearly died.
The judge asked both prosecutor and defense lawyer to approach
the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you two bloody idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send the both of you to the electric chair.'
Scientists at Air New Zealund built a gun
specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields
of airliners travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate
the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test
the strength of the windshields.
Australian engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test
it on the windshields of their new Qantas A380 aircraft. Arrangements
were made, and a gun was sent to the Australian engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,
snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in
the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Aussies sent Air New Zealand the disastrous results
of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and
begged the Kiwi scientists for suggestions.......
Air New Zealund responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost
Little Johnny asked his mother the following
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" Sheila
looks at Johnny and replies;
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride
Little Johnny thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this
with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
Bruce looks at his son in surprise and says," Look mate,
all household appliances come in white."
Bruce tells his mate he just got back from a short
Business or pleasure? asks his mate.
Bruce replies; pleasure! I took the mother-in-law to the airport.
Bruce normally drives his 6 year old to school
every day on his way to work.
But he's been to his mate's Robbo's birthday barbie the night before
and got so hammered there that he's got a massive hangover and decides
to chuck a sickie.
His wife Sheila grabs the keys to the ute and drives the daughter to
The teacher notices and later in the day during a chat she asks the
girl; I see you mum drove you to school today.
Yes, says the girl, daddy was sick today, it was quite different today.
The teacher says; different? How do you mean different?
Well, says the girl, Mum and I .... didn't see a single tosser, blind
bastard, dickhead, moron, Asian prick or wanker anywhere on the whole
way to school today!
Two Aussies are having a chat in the pub.
Bruce says; I've been in love with the same sheila for 49 years!
If my missus ever finds out, she'll kill me!
Bruce to his mate Robbo: someone stole
all my credit cards last month.
Robbo replies; did you report it to the cops?
Bruce: no way mate! The thief is spending a lot less than my missus
Amanda Vanstone went to the beauty shop.
She spent more than three hours in there. That was only for the
estimate. Then she decided to get a mudpack and looked great for
two days. Unfortunately then the mud fell off.
The doctor gave Bruce six months to live.
So Bruce thought he may as well enjoy himself and went off to
the pub everyday shouting all his mates. As a result he had no
money left to pay his doctor's bill, so the doctor gave him another
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Bruce: "I AM BLOODY 60!"
Doctor: "See? What did I tell you?"
Sheila walks into a pet shop to buy Bruce a birthday
She tells the owner, "I want to get my hubby a pet, but I only
have $20. What do you have for that?"
The owner of the bizzo says, "Hmm. I only have pedigree animals
here, but I think I have something in the back," and he disappears
and returns with a bullfrog. He says, "This is no ordinary bullfrog,
this bullfrog gives blowjobs."
Thinking the frog could save her a little work around the house, Sheila
said, "Sold, mate!!"
She takes it home and gives it to Bruce, who had expected a slab of
beer and he is not impressed.
She smiles and says, "This is no ordinary bullfrog - I'm going
to leave you two alone and let you get to know each other."
About 45 minutes later, she hears pots and pans banging around in the
kitchen, she runs in and yells, "What the F%&K! is going on
Bruce looks up from a cookbook and says, "If I can teach this frog
how to cook too then you're f%&#ing outta here."
The Federal Government is sending each
and every Australian a $600 rebate.
But if we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs, if we purchase
a computer it will go to Taiwan.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras,
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea and none of it
will help the Australian economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home in Australia is to
spend it on prostitutes and Victoria Bitter, since these are the
only products still made in Australia!
One of the Sydney's top cardiac specialists
died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front
of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes,
the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart
closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked;
'Why are you laughing, mate?'
'I was just thinking about my own funeral,' the man replied.
'I'm a gynaecologist'........
An Aussie bloke was having a coffee and
croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist,
chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Aussie politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless
started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat
the whole bread?'
The Aussie frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast,
and replied, 'of course, mate!.'
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we
only eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to
The American had a smirk on his face. The Aussie listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing,
the Aussie replied, 'yeah mate, of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't.
In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all
the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them,
transform them into jam and
sell it to Australia .
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Aussie
leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms
once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Aussie's turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle
them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United
States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?
A muslim was sitting next to Bruce on a
The stewardess came and asked what would you like to drink. Bruce
said: give us a XXXX mate!
Then the stewardess asked the muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust: 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores
than let alcohol touch my lips!'
Bruce handed his beer back & said: 'Me too, I didn't know
we had a choice!'
Bruce calls Qantas to book a flight.
The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Bruce replies; 'How the bloody hell would I know! It's your f***ing
A man is checking in at the hotel reception,
while he moves to write his details in the book his elbow accidentally
hits the breast of a woman next to him who is also checking in.
He apologises and says; I am so sorry, but if your heart is as
soft as your breast, I am sure you can forgive me for this.....
She has a painful look on her face and rubs her breast and replies;
yes, and if your c**k is as hard as your elbow you can come to
my room tonight....
Bruce takes his new wife to bed on their
wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spread-eagled
& says: 'You know what I want don't you?'
'Yeah,' says Bruce. 'The whole f***ing bed by the looks of it!
Robbo to Bruce: how's you and the missus
Bruce: my marriage is just like a fairytale......
Really? says Robbo, how wonderful.....
Yes, replies Bruce, every time I come home I see that old witch
on the couch!
Robbo had been working in the police force
for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his
job and buys 50 acres of land out in the bush in Western Australia
as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postie once a week
and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet. After six months of total isolation, someone knocks on
He opens it and a huge, bearded bloke is standing there.
G'day mate, I'm Bruce, your neighbor from hundred forty miles
up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you
might like to come at around 5:00.
'Bloody great', says Robbo, 'after six months out here I'm ready
to meet some local folks, thanks mate!.'
As Bruce is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'No worries' says Robbo. 'After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big bloke starts to leave but stops. 'More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! . I'll be there.
Again,the big bloke starts to leave and stops. 'More'n likely
be some pretty wild sex too,' ,
'Now that's really no worries' says Robbo, warming to the idea.
'I've been all alone for six months without a single root!
I'll definitely be there on Friday!
By the way, what should I wear?'
'Who gives a shit, says the bloke. Just gonna be the two of us.'
One day, Bruce came home and was greeted
by his missus dressed in a very sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went fishing.
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and
said to them, 'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent !
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'
Bruce brings home a mate.
WTF did you bring him over for! My hair & makeup aren't done, the
house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas and
I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the HELL did you bring him home?"
Bruce; "'Coz he's thinking of getting married..."
A greenie sheila was climbing a tree to
watch over a Tasmanian forest.
See tried to get evidence against
the mighty logging company when a tawny frogmouth owl attacked
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree getting a number
of large splinters lodged in her crotch area.
In considerable pain she hurried to a doctor and told him that
she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.
The doctor, who was definitely no environmentalist; listened with
great patience and then told her to go into the examining room,
undress, hop up onto the bed and he would be in shortly to see
if he could help her.
She waited for two long painful hours before the doctor reappeared.
By now, very angry, the woman demanded, 'what took you so damn
'Well,' the doctor replied, 'it is not that simple....I had to
get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry
Service, the National Parks & Wildlife Service, the Wilderness
Society and the Dept of Conservation & Resource Management,
before I could remove 'old growth timber' from a recreational
Little Johnny sent a letter to Santa.
Dear Santa, don't worry about toys this Xmas but I would really
like my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Santa replied: tell your dad to stop banging the babysitter like
a screendoor in a cyclone and your mother to lose some weight
and I'll see what I can do....
A bloke sitting at a bar at Sydney Airport
noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an
off duty flight attendant.
But which airline does she work for?'
Hoping to make her acquaintance, he leaned towards her and uttered
the Delta slogan: 'Love to fly and it shows?'
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought
to himself: Damn, she doesn't work for Delta.'
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head.
He leaned towards her again 'A great way to fly?'
She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: 'Smooth as Silk?.'
This time the woman turned on him, 'What the f##k do you want?'
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said,
Bruce and Sheila are having a huge domestic
Bruce yells; when you're dead, I'll get a bloody tombstone for you that
says; here she lies, cold as ever...
To which Sheila responds; and I'll get a f***ing tombstone for
you that says; here he lies, stiff at last....
A 70 year old millionaire brags at the golfclub
that soon he is getting married to a gorgeous 20 year old blonde.
His mate says how the hell did you get a 20 year old sheila at
your age, you're bloody 70, did you lie about your age?
Yes, he admits, I did, I told her I was 90 !!
Bruce is on holidays in Bangkok, and lays
in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking
his dangly bit, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, Bruce turns and asks her: 'Why do you love
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...'
Bruce stands naked in front of his big mirror
and says; mirror mirror on the wall, who's got the biggest dick
To which Sheila yells from the bedroom: I DO !!!!
A little girl comes in to the pharmacy and
says hello mister pharmacist, I want to buy some ointment for
Yes, but which ointment do you need? says the pharmacist, this
is a big shop and we have lots of them here.
It's in a little glas jar, the girl says.
Pharmacist (impatient): yes, they all come in glass jars. You'll
have to give me the name of it !
Little girl; I dunno.... can't remember the name, but it smells
really nice, oh, and it's got that methylamminohydradimethylphenylinyrazolonapol
stuff in it.
Bruce is getting pissed in the pub and runs
out of money.
Of course Bruce does not feel like going home and he hassles the
publican for another drink.
Common Robbo, givuzzanaddabeerwillya? I'll pay you next week.....
The publican points out the window and says to Bruce; see that
building across the road? Yeah... says Bruce.....
Well, that is the bloody Commonwealth Bank, and I got a deal with
Deal? Wot deal? says Bruce.
Publican; well, they don't sell beer, and I don't lend money!
These photo jokes did the rounds on the internet
just after Steve Irwin managed to incite the crowds and the Department
of Workplace Health and Safety with his whacko Jacko style stunt
where he held his baby while feeding a crocodile.
At the doctors a woman is waiting with a
baby for a checkup.
They get called in to the doctor's room and the doctor examines
the baby. Oh dear, says the doctor, this baby is underweight,
he is not getting enough nutrition, is this baby breastfed or
bottle fed? Breastfed, the woman replies.
Please take of your shirt, the doctor tells the woman. She does
and the doctor proceeds to examine her breasts, he kneads them,
rubs them, pulls the nipples and after a good while of all this
he comes to his conclusion and says to the woman; no wonder the
baby is underweight, you've got no milk at all!
Yeah I know, she says, I'm his grandmother, his mother is working
today, but thanks anyway, I'm glad I came today!
A blonde is standing at the paper shredder
with a big pile of documents in her hands, looking very helpless.
Finally someone spots her and says; can I help you?
Yes, thank you, she says, how does this thing work?
Simple, says the man, press this switch here and push the paper
in this opening here.
So she does and all the documents disappear down the hole.
Everything OK now? asks the helpful man.
Eh, says the blonde, where do the copies come out?
Robbo's mother in law has died and he goes
to see his employer to ask for a day off so he can go to her funeral.
Hey boss, I know we're really busy here but I would really like
to go to my mother in law's funeral...
Boss; yeah mate, don't we all......
A woman is in court on a charge of shop
lifting a can of peaches.
The judge asks; how many peaches were in this can?
Five, the woman replies. OK, says the judge, then I will give
you five months in prison, do you have anything else to say?
Her husband gets up and says; yes, I do, she also stole a can
Two clairvoyants meet at the markets.
Says one to the other; wow, you look a lot better than you do
A plumber gets called out of bed in the
middle of the night by his doctor.
My toilet is blocked and it is flowing over and flooding the house
and there's shit everywhere! Come quick!
To which the plumber replies; no worries mate, just chuck an aspirine
in the bowl and call me in the morning!
Finish the following sentence; Happy as......
Sheila come home and finds Bruce madly waving
around the fly swatter.
What the hell are you doing? she says.
These bloody flies are driving me nuts, Bruce replies, but I've
killed a dozen already, seven males and five females.
How the hell do you know what they were, Sheila demands to know.
Simple, Bruce says, seven of them were on my beer bottle, and
five were on the phone!
Little Johnny is at school and the teacher
is talking about work and the future.
Johnny, he says, what do you want to be later when you grow up?
A worldfamous photo model or an astronaut, says Johnny.
But what if you're not good looking enough to become a worldfamous
photo model, or intelligent enough to be an astronaut?
Johnny; well, if I'm too f***ing ugly to be a model or too dumb
to be an astronaut then I can always become a school teacher!!
Little Johnny got on the bus, sat next to
a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
Little Johnny asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
Little Johnny replied, 'My father doesn't wear his collar like
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father
Little Johnny said, ''My father has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren
and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds',
and went back to reading his book.
Little Johnny sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over
'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar.'
A young guy got a job in K-mart as a salesman.
The supervisor told him that if a customer came in to buy only
one item he should always try to sell them more.
An attrattive looking blonde came in and spoke to
the young salesman, and the supervisor watched from a distance.
He was pleased to see the lady leave with her arms full of cleaning
products and equipment, and approached his new salesmen for a
folow-up talk. Well done, he complimented him, how did you sell
her all that stuff? Easy, the talented young salesman said; she
came in for a packetof tampons, so I said if you can't f**k then
you might as well make yourself useful some other way!
Bruce thought it was time for a holiday.
So he bought himself a plane ticket and hopped on the plane to
Bangkok and started drinking in the first bar he saw.
It was not long before a Thai lady sat down next to him and they
started chatting, and a few beers later they couple were off and
ended up in the Thai lady's house.
They had a great root and lay in bed smoking a cigarette afterwards
when Bruce noticed several framed photos of a man on the wall.
Who's that bloke in the photos, Bruce asked. Is that your ex-hubby
or your brother?
No, she said, that was me before the operation!
Bruce spotted an ad in the paper;
26 volume Encyclopedia Britannica for sale, as good as new, no
He rang immediately and negotiated a good price. Then he said;
how come you no longer need it?
To which the bloke replied; I'm married now, and I have a missus
who always knows everything best......
A crusty old bikie was out on a long ride
through the outback.
He pulls up to a pub in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike
and walks inside. As he passes through the doors, he sees a sign
hanging over the bar: