Amazing Australian Jokes page 6

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Bruce's ute was rooted so he took the train to work.
At one of the stops a stunning Thai girl with an awesome rack hopped on board and sat down right opposite him.
He kept thinking to himself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
But she did....

Bruce and his mate Davo are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a hearse and two funeralcars go over the bridge and Davo stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
Bruce turns to him and says, " Davo , that's the nicest respectfullest thing I've ever seen you do"
Davo replies, " Well, we were married for nearly 20 years "

 

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire.
This wire was found to be dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck-all. Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already
gone wireless..."

Robbo is in bed with a blind sheila that he picked up at the pub.
She said that's the biggest dong I ever laid my hands on.
Robbo replies; "You're pulling my leg"

Davo spent $130.- on Ebay for a penis enlarger.
He was well pissed off when the package arrived the next week and all it contained was a magnifying glass!

Robbo to Bruce; last winter I saw an old lady slip and fall over on the ice, it knocked her unconscious.
Bruce: poor lady! Robbo says; yeah, she was poor alright, she only had $1.20 in her purse.

Bruce's granny is being examined by the Doctor.
He asked, “Have you ever been bedridden?”
She says, “Yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too “

Sheila had to work overtime so couldn't cook Bruce his dinner, and the barbie was out of gas too.
But Bruce said no worries mate, I'll just go to KFC for the Julia Gillard Meal deal tonight.
What's that, replied Sheila.
Bruce: 2 small breasts, 2 large thighs, & a big red box.

Here is the video where you can see Ju-Liar Gillard promise us that we will never have a carbon tax....

The red-headed liar-bird

Robbo and Bruce are enjoying a VB in the pub and Robbo says; hey, did you and Sheila go to that hypnotist show?
Yeah, says Bruce, it was a shocker, mate!
Really? Says Robbo. I thought this bloke was really good and got people to do all sorts of enterntaining stuff.
Oh, he was good alright, says Bruce. He had a dozen blokes up on stage, all hypnotized, got them to bark like a dog, bow for the queen, all sorts of shit. But then he got a zap from his microphone and he said aah, fuck me!I
What happened next will haunt me forever..

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If alcohol is to blame for 15% of deaths on the road, could you reduce road deaths by 85% by banning sober driving?

BREAKING NEWS: The Victorian Police just pulled a dead man out of the Yarra River.
He was wearing pink fishnet stockings, high heels, a Crows jumper and had a dildo shoved up his arse.
Police removed the Crows jumper to save embarrassment to the family.

THE DALAI LAMA JOKE

Oh boy, I knew that wasn't gonna work....

In June 2011 Australian "Today" show host Karl Stefanovic sat down with the Dalai Lama during his tour of the continent down under. For some bizarre reason he decided to tell him a joke:
"The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop," and says, 'Can you make me one with everything?'
It was met with a blank stare from the Dalai Lama so he told it again, this time a bit slower, and when the Dalai Lama failed to laugh again he buried his face in his hand and admitted defeat.
The failed joked went viral in the world news around the planet, most people could not believe that someone could tell such a bad joke to a revered spiritual leader.

Bruce and Sheila were in bed. Sheila asked Bruce what trick she could do to please him.
Bruce said " I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . .
"What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"

A blonde was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I'll give you $100 for your trouble..'
No worries,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to Sea World.

A Russian woman married an Aussie bloke and they lived happily ever after in Sydney.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she decided that the only way to go about this was to bring her husband to the store.
So take a moment to think about how she made it clear to the butcher that they wanted sausages....

Well, simple, her Aussie husband speaks English so he said to the butcher "G'day mate, give us half a dozen snags thanks"

Bruce's 75 year old dad thought he should do something about his ginormous beer belly so he went to the gym.
While he was there a young sheila with a perfect body came in, and Bruce's dad got the hots for her immediately.
So he went up to the trainer and asked him which machine he should use to impress the young sheila.
The trainer looked him up and down and said; I would suggest the ATM in the reception area....

Bruce says to his Irish mate Paddy, 'close ya curtains when you're rooting ya missus!
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday"
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Bruce says to Paddy, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".....
Paddy replies: "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

An Aussie bloke wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three sheilas. He gave each sheila a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first sheila does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The bloke was impressed.
The second sheila goes shopping to buy the bloke gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
Again, the bloke is impressed.
The third sheila invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the bloke was impressed.
The bloke thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Bruce is explaining to his mate Robbo how got his black eye;
I was rooting this sheila on her kitchen table when we heard the husband come home.
She said, " Quick, the back door!"
. . . thinking back, I really should have legged it - but you don't get offers like that every day.....

Robbo replies to Bruce;
Mate, that's nothing. I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny - spooky or what?

Bruce was in a bar in Sydney and a little Asian guy is standing next to him.
Bruce said to him, “Hey mate, do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”
He says “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I look Shineez”?
“No”, Bruce said, "It’s because you’re drinking my beer, you slanty-eyed little c*nt, and then whacked him across the head.

A policeman patrolling Kings Cross spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford Sierra.
He gets on the radio and calls for backup.
"What's the situation?"
"A big fat darkie is dancing on a car roof."
You can't say that over the radio!" replies the operator,
"You have to use the correct terminology as they taught you on the radio course at the police academy"
"OK" he says,
"Kilo... Zulu .... Tango .... Sierra...."

Two Aussie blokes, Robbo and Stevo, were adrift on the wide ocean in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Robbo stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
The genie, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Robbo blurted out, "Turn the whole ocean into beer. Make that Boags Premium!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher.
The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two blokes considered their circumstances.
Stevo looked disgustedly at Robbo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled silence Stevo said,
"Nice going ya boofhead ! Now we gotta piss in the boat !"

Bruce was in the queue at the ATM.
An old lady in front of him asked if he could check her balance.
So Bruce gave her a push and knocked her over.

A bunch of blokes are camping and fishing and have run out of grog.
So Robbo and Bruce decide to walk to the nearest bottle-o to get some new supplies.
The others keep fishing and eat a few pies.
Two hours lates Bruce walks back in to the camp, straining under the weight of four cartons of XXXX.
Where's the hell is Robbo? asked the mob.
Oh, he just had a stroke or heart attack or something, Bruce says.
What, and you just left him there?
Yeah well, Bruce replies, I could not carry Robbo and the beer, it was a tough call, but then I figured that nobody was going to steal Robbo.....

Sheila works at an office, when her boss calls her up.
The boss is not very good at maths and has problems calculating a discount on an invoice, so he asks her, if I was to give you $20 000.- ,minus 10%, how much would you take off?
Sheila yells out: absolutely everything, mate!

Robbo runs in to the pub and yells Bruce!!! Some asshole just stole your ute!
Bruce replies; did you see who it was?
Robbo: no, but I wrote down the rego plate!

Bruce gets pulled over for a random breath test.
The cop says; you got any ID?
To which Bruce replies; About what?

Bruce's dad walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

The Australian Labor party announced today that they are changing their emblem to a condom.
They believe that it more clearly reflects their party's political stance:
- A condom stands up to inflation
- halts production,
- discourages co-operation
- protects a bunch of dicks
- and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.